Wonder Renewed

Blog Post # 22 -- Monica Rae

-- December 13th, 2021 --

The Christmas season is near…I know this because I have a list of gifts to buy, holiday tunes are playing on the radio and a small heater is warming my feet as I pose for art students at the nearby university.

In many places the cold, snowy landscape—along with slushy streets and crowded stores—creates the mood of the season.

The students are nearing their holiday break, so they are focused and diligent in their efforts. The professor and friend of mine turns music on to a soft melody that instantly allows my mind and body to settle into a two-hour pose. Normally, I drift off into a mind lapse – a mix of to do lists, budget checks and brainstorming for upcoming projects—but today, my mind goes to Mary.

Mary—the life giver—mother of the Christ child.

Did she have a list? Was she discussing plans with Joseph as they traveled by donkey on the dusty paths to refuge?

I touch my belly.

I too am growing a life. It’s getting firm and like the young teenager Mary I am made humble by the ability to host the unseen for a time.

I grew up knowing the story of the Christ child and the fable of the jolly white bearded man who falls down the chimney each year to drink milk and fill stockings. But just as the years have altered how I celebrate the holiday so too has my Christmas song playlist changed.

Bill Crosby’s ‘Jingle Bells’ and ‘Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer’ have given way to Josh Groban’s rendition of ‘Ave Maria.’

In my curiosity I discover that ‘Ave Maria’ or ‘Hail Mary,’ in Latin, was never intended as a Christmas song. The 1825 song was written by Austrian Franz Schubert. It was based on a long narrative poem written in 1810 by Sir Walter Scott. Written in English and based on sixteenth century struggles in Scotland, the poem’s heroine is forced to hide in a cave. It is in her despair that she cries out to the virgin Mary. But Walter Scott did not write with the knowledge of what his poem would give birth to.

It’s only when you unwrap the ingenious melody, that draws audiences from all over the world, that you discover the source of inspiration.

I like the roots that give the wings to this song—the way it rises in tone and anticipation. In the same way that the mix of tradition, faith and hope encompass the celebrations of Christmas.

As a child I had no time for such lessons during Christmas time. I was too busy eating cookies and longing for Christmas morning. I would wake early in anticipation of the food, the lights, the Macy’s Day parade my dad would leave on the TV in the background, but mostly I was excited for the presents sitting under the tree.

Each year, the same routine. And yet, each year, I woke with untainted wonder.

Wonder…

Where did it go?

As an adult the season would come and go—I would make my way down my to do list of shopping, decorating, and cooking. I would take my daughter’s picture at church on Christmas Eve and watch her open presents on Christmas morning. Photo boxes are filled with the memories we make each year.

My daughter knew of Christ’s birth as the reason for the holiday—she also knew the Christ child wasn’t born in a stable and the wise men didn’t bring him gifts the night of his birth, but instead much later. I didn’t tell her the gifts I saved money to buy for her were from the jolly man in a red coat—she knew they were from me and still knew the details about the man called Saint Nicholas who delivered presents to people in Europe long ago.

I held firmly to the traditions and faith I was raised in while I battled with the desire for more. I created a mix of religious and modern western practices to celebrate the season. My favorite moments though—were when I saw my child learn the joy of giving.

But somewhere in the routine of adulthood and desire to preserve tradition and create memories for my child … my wonder got misplaced.

Was it one moment, or the combination of many that led to this loss?

I touch my belly.

I know this year is the last Christmas with only my baby-turned teenager. Next year, our family will grow.

Will I read them both my favorite Christmas story, ‘The Story of the Three Trees?’ What will my teenage daughter want to share with her new chubby, gurgling, diaper wearing sibling? Will ‘Ave Maria’ play in the background as we prepare plates of treats to give to friends?

My life thus far has been a patchwork of choices, curiosity, and change. I’ve been on the receiving end of judgement and fear because I have made choices other people don’t recognize.

I haven’t followed the routine of expectations some people have set for their own lives.

These changes.

These choices. Have brought me to a place of surrender. A divine realization that life is given as a gift for us to cherish and live fully.

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‘Ave Maria’ is the result of unintended inspiration.

The Christmas season is a mixture of the story of new life and the traditions of culture and time.

Both are a reminder of the human desire for hope.

The truth is…the miracle of life and the delivery of hope are not found in how our lives look or how they are expected to appear to others during the holidays or any other time of year.

It’s found at the beginning…when the rawness of life greets the air and cries out.

It’s found in the hidden moments of discovery, when what we think we know is challenged by our curiosity.

It’s found in the unexpected and the ordinary…

As a child I looked in eagerness from a limited view. As an adult I became busy with trying to create the perfect environment for my child to have her own experience.

And now. I am renewed.

By a new role.

To celebrate alongside them…awed by the sacredness that remembrance brings.

Both of my daughters will know the lace angel ornament I still have from my youth and they will be taught the same baking skills my mother learned from her mother. They will know the magic of Christmas lights and the stillness of a holy night that restores the soul.

I touch my belly and rise from the pose. Students are smiling at me in thanks behind their masks.

I feel old… in the best possible way!

My wonder has returned—redefined—fully intact.

DEDICATION: To my readers. I am touched by your faithfulness. However you practice or express your faith this season—may you find a sacred reminder of the beauty and gift of life….Happy reading. And for your listening pleasure ---

Josh Groban---‘Ave Maria’ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2k7jUTHGsTU