Joie de vivre

Blog Post Entry #9 -- Monica Rae

August 1st, 2020

I met him for the first-time last week. He was tall with deep, sweet eyes. A crowd of locals surrounded us, calling his name. Unfazed by the attention, he focused on the task at hand. We spent hours together and I became smitten with his effortless saunter and strength. So, I was surprised when his calm disposition gave way to an unexpected eagerness…almost excitement. His mannerisms spoke where words could not as he rushed me toward the setting sun. I did not know why we were going so fast, but I did not need to.

By the way, my crush’s name is Buster—a 16-year-old horse.

And this majestic animal took me to church in a field. We danced together in wildflowers—the endless canopy of trees a refuge from chaos and confusion.

I was happy.

The kind of happiness I see in my favorite gif –a chubby faced little buddha boy who is laughing so hard he looks like he is crying!

As I sat upon Buster, I was not thinking of how sore my aging derriere would undoubtedly be in 12 hours, instead I was thinking of only one thing.

Joy.

Did the cowboy who owned the land know this feeling every night as he slept only yards from these magnificent animals and the thrones of the land? Did my young friend Victoria who rode beside me feel the same glee? I wondered.

But mostly, I just felt joy.

Like when you are on a trampoline.

“Nanny JUMP!”

This is my second time in six months at a trampoline playground. I am glancing down at a four-year-old. We are wearing matching pink socks with treads on the bottom, walking on trampolines. A mix of attendees surround us—adults who did not wear the proper attire for jumping up and down, toddlers who may or may not have just peed in the pile of squishy boxes, and competitive, sweaty preteens ready to release their hormones on you in a game of trampoline dodge ball! Are they in a race of some kind or just high on the natural energy we middle aged adults’ envy? They are running, climbing walls, and throwing balls at each other all while bouncing on shaky ground.

But I …I am just jumping.

I jump and jump. I am two feet above the ground for what I know is only seconds, but I repeat this motion in an attempt to make it last longer. I am copying the teenager who is trying to do the splits in the air. (Note to self—your legs stopped bending like that about 10 years ago!) But even in the seconds I am paused in the air I’m thinking to myself. I think I am having more fun then these kids.

But how can that be? Kids are filled with innocence and untainted glee. Most children start their

day thinking of ‘play’ in some form. They are not concerned with laundry, bills, repairs, work stress or relationship demands. They are just ready to play. So how could I be having more fun than they are in a building devoted to one thing—jumping! The same thing children do at impromptu times like in the crowded grocery aisles or at a restaurant when they must pee!

When we are young we are surprised by life—gifts on Christmas morning, vacations to Disneyland, friends we can play hide and seek with, staying up late and eating cake for breakfast—all arranged by the adult figures in our lives. We are blissfully unaware that these adults have any purpose beyond our existence, so we surrender to their guidance and expectations. So, it's no surprise when we repeat their lives in our attempts at adulthood! The part we are unsure how to navigate is that which we never learned to copy. I entered adulthood thinking it was much like childhood—just bigger closets and more freedom. There is an intensity to its responsibility that comes on slowly and yet all at once. And somewhere during it all I had forgotten to take notes on seeking joy.

But let us be honest here.

As an introverted book nerd, I have never been described in terms of my joy factor. I am the one who organizes a closest on her birthday and finds satisfaction in serving others. Joy was not necessarily the goal.

“Monica smile!” my sister would say to me as my face was tucked behind a book.

“Monica smile!” my cheer leading coach would remind me as I performed flawlessly the moves I had practiced for weeks.

My face has never naturally transmitted joy—check out my baby pictures. Even then I have this pondering, slightly melancholy look. Unfortunately, over the years this has led to misconceptions regarding my level of happiness—understandably so.

But there on the shaky ground surrounded by sweat and germs and crying children I am smiling.

I’m smiling because of one thing…

The moment when my body is suspended in the air and I do not know how I will land. I am not afraid, not because I know the outcome. I am simply lost in the joy of the air rushing over me, the momentum between the moving ground and my aging feet.

So, while the kids are in a hurry, I am not. I am still. In the joy.

In fact, I forget they are there. Until one zips past me and I lose my balance creating bruises on my legs I'll feel later while wondering if my squeal was heard by the moms’ club gathered around their laptops and cell phones at the tables nearby.

The misperception of adulthood is that we have experienced enough to not be led by fear. No more monsters under the bed or strange sounds causing us to pull our bed sheets over our head like a hero’s cape. Isn’t our level of maturity measured by our amount of responsibilities? At a certain age we must know enough. Right?

But maybe…just maybe, we are still learning…

Like the challenge of a new language.

Joie de vivre

This French phrase often used in English phrases means an ‘exuberant enjoyment of life.’

Is it joy to be reminded of what you do not know? I am navigating this humbling truth as the Duolingo app on my phone celebrates my every correct answer with flashing stars and annoying dings remind me for the fifth time how to change the French verb ‘avoir.’

As I let myself become a student of life I am finding ‘joie’ in the everyday moments…in conversations, in cooking, in writing, in jumping, in growing ducks and cucumbers, in learning French and ultimately and most profoundly in change.

No fear in the unknown! No need to seek control … but a ride in the field on a horse name Buster might just reset the soul!

DEDICATION: This blog is dedicated to Dawn. Her steadfast devotion to God’s joy drips on every soul that is blessed enough to know her.