10% of Yes! ‘Mon Plaisir Part Deux’

Blog Post #19 - Monica Rae

June 1st, 2021

I used to watch a woman in heels, on the street or on the screen, and think ‘wow’—that is what beautiful is. A lady possessing a flawless confidence striding along on a delicate tip of silk and rubber.

And then…

I bought a pair of red high heels.

And discovered two things: This choice of footwear is not done for the purpose of comfort and the self-assurance I saw on screen was surely not acquired with the first pair!

It is true—I feel a confidence when I wear heels. Maybe it stems from the fact that I am balancing on a perch two inches tall with a circumference the size of a pea while I simultaneously walk and converse with others.

Want to know a secret though?

I prefer flats.

My favorite shoes—the dust covered sandals I wear as I walk the streets of Africa.

Recently, my teenage daughter and I were out having a meal at a restaurant. ‘You’re so pretty,’ the observer relayed to her. My child stood a bit taller. I smiled. She turned to me and asked me if I used to hear that when I was younger. I laughed.

My beauty is not as it once was. There are wrinkles forming around my eyes…let us call them story lines!! The curves I have acquired because of age and childbearing—but mostly because of chocolate and a disinterest in exercise—have settled in. Do not get me wrong, I will not go to work in jogging pants, out to the market in pajamas or without the red lipstick my grandmother wore tucked inside my purse.

But, I no longer see beauty through the lens of magazine covers, brand name shoes or size 2 skinny jeans.

Instead, beauty is defined by one word— YES!!

If you asked a preschooler, they would tell you that yes is simply the opposite of no.

Why don’t we teach them its real definition?

Yes—is opportunity meets ‘of course.’

Or as the French might say….Oui, avec plaisir (Yes, with pleasure)

Why do the French seem to know more, about saying yes with pleasure, than Americans? Even the language itself has this smooth, c'est la vie flow to it. I have been studying the French culture as I anticipate my first (of many) trips to the African country, Cameroon this Fall—knowing full well I will sound like an American trying to speak French in an African country, rather than a French speaking native.

In learning about the silent ‘h,’ the franc currency, the fact that modern France relies on the colonies it has supposedly freed, and the undeniable composure of French women, my most significant discovery is not the absence of expectations that makes the French culture alluring—it is the confidence.

When my daughter was a baby the trend in parenting was NOT to use the word ‘no’ to your child. When you saw their fingers near an electrical socket you were supposed to pause and engage in a brainstorming discussion on ‘other options.’ When they took a toy from another child, you would not say, “No, don’t do that.” Instead, you hoped your child ‘organically’ learned how his choice hurt the other tiny human who would likely react with a shove or scream that would undoubtedly teach him what he needs to know before a repeated offense.

Having grown up in an Irish Catholic family where you were expected to show up for dinner on time, eat all the food on your plate whether you were hungry or not and keep your hands to yourself during every Sunday School class and Catholic Mass—I did not have the luxury of any other behavioral modification besides yes or no. “Do as I say,” was expected. Consequences were not confusing because punishment was a belt!

I also was not harmed in any way by hearing this two-letter word. No.

So, my daughter, heard ‘No’ all the time in my attempt to keep her safe and well. (By the way, I recommend the usage of both yes and no when raising your child!)

“You must understand there is nothing noble in failing to discover and cultivate your pleasures.” Mireille Guiliano

I am sitting a bit sheepish on my couch, listening to my teenager and her friend coming in from chatting pool side. I am wondering…what does my teenager know about pleasure? Did I cover that subject between algebra and creative writing?

My daughter does not hear me say ‘No’ a lot these days. In fact, she hears me say ‘sure I’ll try that’ or ‘let peace guide your choices’ or ‘you can be whatever you set your mind to.’

My expectations for her are simple—that she would know who she is in everything she chooses to do. There is no cookie cutter example I want her to follow. I want her to know confidence…salted in humility.

Humility is not the absence of confidence—it is the acknowledgment of strength.

Do we deny strength?…do we teach our daughters this?

My job as her mother, now that she is closer to adulthood than childhood, is to provide the reminder that she is capable to choose! Choose to be fully present in the choices she makes, the people she surrounds herself with and the creator she serves. In so doing, beauty will inevitably seep from her soul!

What will she see?

That is up to her.

What will she know?

That is up to her.

What will she choose?

That is up to her.

Recently, I received word from my beautiful child that I am just not easy to explain.

I laugh at this.

I also understand.

As a teenager she wants predictability as much as she wants freedom. I do not fit the typical mother mold. I am not an easy mother to explain to friends that simply want to ‘hang out’ with pizza and cupcakes.

But I do not apologize.

Instead, I say ‘yes’.

In fact, I try not to think in terms of no or don’t do that. Rather, is there peace and pleasure in this? If not, then it is not the right choice.

This goes against the prevalent American ideal that the best kind of mom or the best kind of woman is one who sacrifices herself completely for her child, partner, and family with NO regard for her own pleasures and dreams. She may not even know what they are!

I juggle jobs I enjoy for the seed to pay bills and provide both of us with the comforts of life. I give my child the choice whether she wants to be homeschooled or not. And she has been along for the ride as I use my limited resources to share food, time and money with anyone that I feel is meant to receive it.

When she was young, we spent our Thanksgiving and holidays serving at the food banquet or bringing supply bags to the homeless. Trips to the park were not only chosen for play. I wanted her to be comfortable with vulnerability—to introduce herself at 5 years old to the child who needed a playmate. From a young age, I wanted her to know the pleasure of giving. So, we gave—together—to refugee mothers and children, neighbors, friends, the elderly without visitors.

And yet, it seemed a shock to some when I began to make my further dreams a reality. When I landed on African soil and my child was not with me. When I returned and told her of future trips planned – my dreams the same as they had always been—but now I was going outside my local bubble.

What mother does this? Me, apparently….

Without apology.

Why?

If it were a man, a father…with aspirations to learn and engage with other cultures, religions and people, to find solace and reward in bringing books to children who have less than most American pets.... it would be thought of as noble. When a mother does this it is seen as negligent.

By some.

Some who have felt the need to share their opinions of my mothering abilities.

What their ignorance covers is not mine to defend.

Motherhood should be revealing, like a mirror. But children should not be created to be left in a playpen of our making.

I know the ache my daughter has…to fit in, to feel a part, accepted.

I was once every age she has been!

What does she gain from seeing me pursue my dreams?

Something no amount of money or predictable routine can guarantee—the confidence to pursue her own.

Confidence is not found in a thesaurus next to ‘Arrogance’

And self-awareness is not selfishness!

The former is a knowledge of who you are, your gifts, your pleasures and a desire to live them out fully. The latter is self-absorption with no regard for another.

10% of YES

It is said we only use 10% of our brains.

If this is true, how does this affect what we are capable of?

Can we change our mind…once we know what we did not before?

Do we only say Yes to what we know…to an outcome we are certain of?

What if we used more than 10%?

What if we stepped outside the preconceived notions of pleasure, discomfort, and beauty?

What would we find?

I know what I found.

The young girls whose purity and eagerness are renewed with each sunrise. Two little ones—Myriaam and Judy are an ocean away—they know me as Mony and I watch their faces through pictures and videos. Their beauty is found in their curious minds.

The artist—one of my oldest and dearest friends, Annie, creates because it bleeds from her soul. The world that surrounds her would be undoubtedly blank without her choice to say YES!

The older woman, another mom, Lolly, shares stories with her eyes. We do not speak the same language, but her beauty is undeniable every time she greets me with a hug and smile.

The way African women’s dresses sway as they dance on the beach for pleasure with a rhythm of beat and soul I am still learning to master.

And the way my daughter shines her brightest as she listens with her FULL attention to each of her friends and acquaintances, giving them the feeling of welcome.

Beauty abounds.

In every smile

Every confidence

Every culture

Every woman

When she is fully present—

“Making choices that are meaningful to you is the essence of the French woman’s secret.”

Mireille Guiliano

Recently, a friend told me that his first impression of me was that I had a big heart. I smiled at the compliment—because I am not afraid to say it is true! You can see my emotions before you hear my words, my heart is glued to my pale Irish skin.

I am too obvious to be French.

I have no mystery.

But

I smile more.

I laugh more.

I dream and create more.

Because I am living mon plaisir.

My pleasure is found most fully in teaching children, learning from my favorite Africans, enjoying my daughter, writing, making love, eating, and being restored and silenced by the power of nature! Saying YES to these pleasures means I am fulfilling the gift of life I was given.

My daughter has high heels in her closest.

She likes to wear them.

She walks different in them.

I smile.

I find myself surrounded by beauty…the smiles of souls that live out their truths.

The young, the old, the one waiting, the one wondering, the one dressing up or naked and free.

I learn from them all. The satisfaction of saying Yes…with pleasure.

DEDICATION: To my daughter—Your greatest beauty will always be the grace and curiosity that drives you. It is mon plasisir to learn from you. And to ALL the girls that know me…the toddlers who have yet to discover the world and the teens who have the ache to be known—your greatest gift to the world is the ability to make choices that create happiness for yourself and others.